Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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