when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
