Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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