A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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