i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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