You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
