theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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