Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
