even my farts smell like vagina
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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