smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I have fence marks all over my body
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
