sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
