Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
