WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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