Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
