I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
