Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
