I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
