WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
