Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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