Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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