Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
