I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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