booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
