so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
