know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
