I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
