i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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