I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
