Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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