My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
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A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
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What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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