Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
