I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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