Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
