life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
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you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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