my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
