Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
