Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
