(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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