Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
