My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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