i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
