Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
