It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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