I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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