dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
