my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
