so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
