i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
