And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
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Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize