Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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