I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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