Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I cannot find my penis.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
