Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
