Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
