1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
