My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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