he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
